


But touch my tears with your lips Touch my world with your fingertips

by Living_On_My_Own



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Brian is the sweetest, Bullying, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Freddie is a bully, Glee References, High School, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Im really sorry for that ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:00:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26518606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Living_On_My_Own/pseuds/Living_On_My_Own
Summary: Brian finds a pamphlet, one that’s disturbing, especially since it fell from Freddie’s arms, yes, Freddie, the biggest bully of the school.Brian finds Freddie, it’s been years, he finds him. For what? Isn’t it too late?
Relationships: Brian May/Freddie Mercury
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	But touch my tears with your lips Touch my world with your fingertips

“It’s been so long, Freddie. I can’t believe it.” Brian says quietly. 

He takes the Persian’s hand in his delicately, they haven’t touched for so long. There’s nostalgia in the movement, longing for the past. 

“It really has been.” The other whispers hoarsely. 

There’s still faint red stains on his face from all the crying he’s done in his day. 

“Sorry, my boyfriend just dumped me, I would have made myself look nicer if I knew you were coming.” 

His voice is filled with a pain he knows too well, too well for his age. He lets the curly haired man in. He never thought he’d see him again, not after seven years of absence. Not after losing him for the first time. 

“So, what have you done these last years?” Brian asks when they’re sat on the couch, facing each other. 

“My music career didn’t work out. I’m now stuck in this gigantic house that a friend gave me. Alone, since yesterday. I’m working in a freaking art shop. These last years have been pretty shitty to be honest.” He replies, thinking of David does still hurt deeply. 

“Are you happy?” The guitarist asks. 

“No.”

It’s direct, said without an ounce of hesitation. As if it became normal, as if it’s something that’s true for everybody. Because he’s used to it, he’s used to wake up in the morning and not having any reason to get up. To wake up in the morning and thinking first about all the things he’s lost. 

“Did you ever stop?” Brian asks quietly, looking for a second to the other man’s thigh. 

“I stopped after we became more friends. I started again when we stopped talking.” He explains. 

He talks about it as if he’s talking about anything else. He’s too used to it to feel ashamed anymore. It’s just a part of him, that he’ll probably never get rid of. 

“But it’s been seven years, Freddie.”

“I know.”

“Do you still talk to the boys?” The Persian asks. 

There’s hesitation in telling the truth. Brian knows what the answer will make him feel like. He knows the look he’ll get, those sweet eyes turned sad. That pretty smile turned into a frown. But he needs to say the truth. 

“I do, yes. We started a band together.” He says quietly, as if ashamed. 

“Oh. So I’m the only one you didn’t-“ He doesn’t finish his sentence, it’s sour in his mouth, it’s only words that will hurt more when they’ll be confirmed. 

“I-It’s… Fine. I know I wasn’t your friend as much as they were. It’s fair, after all I’ve done.” He says quietly, he’s not as good anymore for his famous smile, the one that hides how he feels. He used it too much recently. 

“No, no! That’s not true, not at all. You were my friend just as much. Don’t you remember? I loved you just as much, even more.”

*****

_ Ten years ago _

Brian didn’t think this kind of pamphlet would fall out of Freddie’s pile of books. Freddie, the guy everyone either fears or worships, the biggest bully of the school. He would have thought a pamphlet about “How to stop thinking you’re superior to everyone” or “How to stop being a bully” would be one he’d maybe find.

“How to stop self-harming” wasn’t the one Brian would have ever expected. The Persian looked so often full of himself, loving himself more than anyone else. He looked confident like no one could ever be. He looked like a boy that was put on a pedestal by his parents, given everything he wanted. 

But no, the tall boy was holding the piece of paper like a treasure, the best discovery he’d ever found. He thought about telling someone that he knew would talk about it to everyone else. But then he thought about what it felt, to be looked at in the hallways, to have people point at you and whisper about you. 

Making Freddie want to do something worse to himself wasn’t his goal, and he wouldn’t risk it. 

So he made a plan. Decided to slide a note in his locker, saying to meet him after school in front of the English class, without saying who he is, because he had found something he would want back. He hoped it would work. 

Maybe, even if there wasn’t much hope, he could get the monster out of him by helping him. 

Roger and John both sent him a weird look when he just said he needed to stay at school to talk to a teacher, but they didn’t say anything. 

He waits there for long minutes, almost losing hope, before he hears steps coming his way. It’s him, but there’s something different. Maybe it’s because he’s alone, but he doesn’t look like as if he’s gonna insult someone, or just be mean. He looks just like anyone else, almost shy. 

“What have you got that’s mine?” He asks with venom in his voice. 

His face hardens, the walls come up. 

“Just something you dropped, after class.” Brian explains before getting the pamphlet out of his agenda, he made sure it was hidden well, he wouldn’t have wanted someone thinking it was his. 

“That’s not mine.” For a second the bully’s face looks nervous but he quickly frowns again. 

“It is. It fell from your arms, I saw it.” Brian insists.

There’s multiple seconds of silence. Silence that is highly needed for the Persian. He can’t believe he made a stupid mistake like that. 

“Who did you tell?” He asks dryly. 

“Nobody.” Brian answers honestly, it’s not like him to do that, he would have regretted it. 

Freddie crosses his arms, the frown doesn’t leave his face. He can’t let his guards down, he can’t open up, no, it’s too late. Too late to go back in the past, he can’t open his heart again. 

“Why?” He says. 

“Because that’s something you would do, not something I would. I wanna help you.” 

“I don’t need help, loser.” The bully replies, it’s better like that, he just needs to keep doing that, it’s for the best. 

He turns around and starts walking away. He doesn’t need the pamphlet back, it’s useless anyway. He’s read it, there’s nothing helpful in it, nobody really understands. 

“Being a bully doesn’t make you superior, you know? Anyone could do it. I could call you a faggot, it wouldn’t make me stronger.” As he talks, the older’s steps get slower, then he just stops. 

“If you help me, you can’t tell anyone.” The Persian says. 

For a second, his eyes turn full of sadness, he doesn’t stand as confident as seconds ago. 

“What will you do to fix me?” He asks quietly, as if the world is just crumbling around him. 

At least his walls are crumbling around him, he doesn’t know how to stop them.

_____

  
  


It’s what he needs to do. After learning to be close to others again, he needs to trust, he needs to say the truth. Brian’s been so nice, he’s not sure why he’s doing that for him, but he’s grateful. Now he just needs to be honest, that’s what that whole conversation is about, telling secrets. Telling the only nobody else has ever known about. 

Mr. Beach, the “teacher” of the glee club had organised this lunch, but Brian had decided to start this game. Freddie isn’t sure why they call it a game, it’s not really fun. He hopes it doesn’t ruin anything between him and the boys. 

He doesn't know why he's so nervous, why he seems so shy now. He's never been shy, at least not in front of anyone. But now the words are hard to get out. They're burning his tongue, and he wants them out so bad. 

"When I was younger, uh- I think 11. I-I was molested, by my babysitter. I was taking a shower and she- she went in with me and she t-touched me."

The room feels too hot. He doesn't like the sensation of his skin crawling like that. He can remember it too well. He still sometimes feels dirty for it. Especially when he feels like her hands are still there, where he didn't want her to touch him. He can remember getting hard, feeling with horror pleasure filling his body. He didn't want to, he didn't like it. He still always feels dirty. 

"It was a girl? How old was she? 17? 18?" Roger asks. 

Freddie looks up at him. He can feel the lump in his throat. He knows what he's gonna say. Of course he knows, everybody's ever said the same. He wishes they're real friends. That they'll understand. Maybe it won't be the same?

"Uh- yeah. She was 18." He answers quietly. 

"Come on, Freddie, being touched there by some old girl is every teenage boy’s dream.” Roger laughs. 

“You can’t be ashamed of it, I’d kill for that!” John exclaims. 

It just stings, just slightly. Maybe a bit more than slightly. A lot more than slightly. It hurts a lot. It squeezes his heart until he feels he can’t breathe. It makes him wish he never started being kind again, being open. He should have stayed mean and cold. 

_ Man up a bit. Stop being a baby, Farrokh _ .

He can remember telling his dad. Telling the man he had loved all his childhood, the man he always looked up too. He cried when the words eventually came out. He didn’t like the stern look his papa gave him. And those words that followed. He was weak. He still is. 

Brian is looking at him, everybody is. But nobody talks. He wants to know, to know if they’re all thinking the same about him. If they’re all thinking he’s crazy, like his dad did, like he does when he stares into the mirror for too long. 

“You can’t say that boys. This is something serious.” Mr Beach says. 

“It’s okay, they’re right. I should be grateful she even noticed me when I was eleven and that she wanted me. And I am very lucky.”

He gets up, ignores the look Brian sends him. He doesn’t want to know what it means. He stands in front of Roger and takes his hand up, and Roger hits it with his own. Like he’s got to be proud. Like this is an achievement. He’s only achieved to hate himself. 

John gives him a high five too. He really wished he had friends that would understand. Maybe it’s him that doesn’t understand. Maybe it’s him that doesn’t get it. He really is lucky. He’s lucky that anyone ever wanted to lay their eyes on him, even more their hands. He’s just too ungrateful to realise it. 

He still feels sick to his stomach when he gets out of the classroom. It’s subtle, but he can feel his wall building up, slowly. Nobody sees it, when the change happens, when his real smile turns into a performer’s smile. A smile to please others, to make people want him, to make people adore him. It’s the only smile he’s ever been wanted for. He always knew this would happen. He still doesn’t know why he opened up. It was stupid to think they’d understand, that they’d tell him that she was horrible, that it was sick of her to do that. Something like that never happens. Men or boys don’t get assaulted. 

_____

“Have you stopped doing it?” Brian asks quietly after joining him in the hallways, on their way to different classes. 

_ No, I haven’t been able to. _

“It’s none of your fucking business! Go bother someone else!” He replies. 

“Assholes will always be assholes, aren’t they?” The younger says heatedly, before turning away to walk away. 

_ No, don’t go, I’m sorry. I’m just scared, I can’t handle being a failure.  _

“That’s it, fuck off!” 

_ You’re kinder than anyone’s ever been.  _

“Asshole!” Freddie finishes just before Brian turns the corner and disappears. 

_ I can’t handle people hating me, that’s why I made everyone love me. Even if it’s not really love. Fear is better than hate.  _

_____

  
  


When it’s the practise during dinner time, he still comes. Maybe singing can help him. Even if he doesn’t feel like singing today. Not after what happened that morning. He doesn’t want them looking at him, it’s embarrassing. He doesn’t like people looking at him like he’s stupid, like he’s weak. That’s why he used to look at others like that. At least he was in control. He was never laughed at. 

He can almost already hear the laughs that will be directed at him. Roger will laugh, he’s sure of it. 

He listens to Mr Beach when he explains the week’s assignment. Roger is whispering in Brian’s ear. Mary is texting Veronica. John is sometimes sending him looks, sending him smiles. They’re probably all thinking about what he told them. They’re probably not thinking the same. Roger and John must think he’s a baby. Mary, Brian and Veronica are probably thinking about how dirty he is. They’ll never touch him again, they’ll never hug him again. 

The smile he wears is still strong, it’s made of diamond, it attracts everyone, and it never breaks. It’s the same smile he’s worn all those years he had been the most popular, the one everyone loved. They loved him for his smile, they loved him because he could hurt, because he could throw words that used to hurt him as much as they hurt his victims. He doesn’t plan on getting rid of that smile. It protects him. 

There are two loud sounds. They ring into everybody’s head, and they all understand. They all know what’s happening. All lights are closed, the doors are locked, the students are scared. They’re sitting on the dirty floor that they usually dance on. They all have their phones in their hands, sharing to the world what is happening, that someone is trying to kill them. 

Freddie doesn’t dare sit beside anyone. They’re all close to each other, hugging each as their sobs come out silently, they can’t afford to make any sounds. He wouldn’t want them to have to touch him. He doesn’t want to force them near his filthy hands. 

The metronome is still going, it makes a steady beat, like a heartbeat that connects them all. The silence is interrupted sometimes by heavy tears. They’re falling on someone’s face, each time it happens, arms are wrapped tighter around them. They’re a family, they need to help each other. 

Each door of the room is shaken to be opened. Someone is really there. Freddie feels frightened, more strongly than he ever has before. So much that this time, his smile doesn’t last. He’s curled up as much as he can. He can’t stop the tears that come rolling down his face. He doesn’t expect anyone comforting him, but Brian’s arms come around him, then Roger’s, then John’s. 

Mary isn’t in the classroom. He can remember being told she was going to the toilet. She’s still there, stuck in a toilet cubicle. He should be the one there, he’s the only one that would deserve it, especially after causing so much pain. If someone had to die today, he should be the only candidate. 

“I- I need t-to go. Please, I r-really need to g-go.” He says a bit too loudly while he tries to get up on his feet. Mr Beach forces him down after shushing him. His heart is beating so fast, he needs to go. He needs to get Mary out of the toilet, he needs to make sure she’s okay. But they won’t let him. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispers to the boys holding him. 

He figures out that if he’s not gonna live to see the next day, then he needs to say everything he has to say. He needs to apologise first, for all the pain he’s caused, for how horrible of a person he’s been. He doesn’t know why they’re still holding him, why they haven’t pulled back their hands in disgust yet. 

“I’m such a bitch and a fucking diva and still don’t know why you’re even talking to me. I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done.” The words are said so quietly, they’re barely heard by his friends, but they understand. 

Three pairs of lips are pressed to his face. He’s still scared, but he feels safer. If anything happens, at least he’ll be forgiven, forgiven for all his stupid mistakes. He lets more tears fall, nobody stops hugging him. Brian looks at him, he’s not frowning, he’s looking at him like he loves him again, not like he hates him. 

“We’re sorry too, Freddie. It was terrible of us to talk like that about what happened to you. It- It was stupid and it’s not true, it’s not something y-you should be happy or feeling lucky about.” Roger whispers. 

The older sniffles before nodding and letting his arms wrap around Roger’s body. He doesn’t really stop crying. He just needs this to be over and it’ll be fine. 

His eyes wander to the curly haired boy. He thinks about falling into his arms, putting his head on his chest, hearing his heartbeat like when they hug usually. But he’s scared that the younger won’t like it, that he’ll him push away. Especially after he learned what happened to him when he was younger. 

Brian opens his arms, because he understands by the look in the Persian’s eyes. Freddie quickly pulls away from Roger to snuggle into his crush’s arms. He manages to forget what’s happening for a few seconds. But then it appears back in his head. Without thinking, he lifts his head to press his lips on Brian’s. He’s got nothing to lose. 

Barely any words are exchanged, but it’s enough for them to declare they are now together. They have nothing to lose. This time, Freddie feels loved. 

*****

_ 3 years later  _

_ They don’t care, no, not about you.  _

_ They’re better off without you.  _

_ Of course Brian never liked you.  _

_ You’re always too much.  _

_ Or you’re not enough.  _

_ You can’t win.  _

_ Not when you’re so fucked up.  _

_ You’re a waste of space.  _

_ No wonder you hate yourself so much.  _

_ You’ve got nothing lovable in you.  _

_ You never did.  _

_ And you never will.  _

Brian hasn’t been answering the phone the past weeks. It’s finished. 

They’ll never see each other again. 

He’s not important enough to Brian. 

*****

_ Present time _

  
  


“How did your life turn out, Bri?” Freddie asks. 

He knows Brian has been successful in life. He’s always been smart enough, kind enough, always enough, never too much. 

“I got my PhD, John, Roger and I started a band with another friend, we’re pretty famous I think. At least in England. I’m still single.” He smirks, as if it’s funny, as if it’s an invitation. 

There’s words lingering on the guitarist’s tongue. Words he’s said to Freddie in the past, but not enough to make him believe them. He never believed them. He needs to let them out, before it’s too late, before he hasn’t got the chance anymore. 

“I love you.” He says out loud. 

There’s a bit of sadness in the Persian’s eyes, one that never leaves anymore. Not since everything fell apart, not since he decided he would never be happy again. 

“I love you too,” he whispers.

Brian feels like he needs to hear the words again and again in his head. He feels the need to repeat them forever in his mind and never forget. He needs to remember this moment, just in case, just in case something goes wrong. He’s never been like that, he never felt the need to repeat words in his head. He never felt the need to absolutely remember. But now it feels different. 

There are touches exchanged, lips reunited. They’re close, but somewhat Freddie feels so far away. As if he’s about to disappear, as if they’ll never look into each other’s eyes again. 

“I need to go, Bri.” He whispers after a while. 

There’s a strange panic in the astrophysicist’s heart. Something doesn’t feel right. 

“Don’t go yet, baby. We’ve only started being so close again.”

“I can’t. You need to let go, Brian. You’ll be fine.”

It’s happening too fast. They don’t have enough time. 

“I won’t be. Please, I love you. I’ll make you happy again.” Brian pleads for something he doesn’t know why he’s losing. 

Freddie leans over and places a last kiss to the other man’s lips. It’s the saddest kiss they’ve ever shared. Nothing can be compared to this. 

“It’s too late, my love, you can’t save me.”

“Just remember, Brian. Remember me, remember how much I loved you and will always love you.”

The guitarist goes to take his hand, but the oldest vanishes into the air, leaving to never come back. There’s nothing left but a memory of the man that changed Brian’s life to the best. That has made him feel like no one ever could make him feel again. 

_____

He finds himself in his bedroom, a cold sweat covering his skin. There are tears that could never be dried off on his face. 

_ “Did you see the news? He killed himself. He’s gone, Brian. We’ve left him alone for too long. We abandoned him.” _

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Please leave kudos if you liked this! I’d love to hear in the comments what you thought about this. And if you’d want a second part where I’d talk a bit more about what happened let me know!


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